Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Seeing

I am a frustrated artist. No, let me rephrase that. I am a person who'd like to be an artist but can't seem to produce stuff that satisfies me. Painting or writing. And its crazy-making. I suddenly thought; "What if I'm wasting my time here? What if I'm like the sad souls that try out for Idols, thinking they have singing talent, when they clearly don't? What a shocking waste of time, effort, emotion and energy!" Just because you want to do something well, obviously doesn't mean that you will be able to. Those poor people are a public proof of that. Without giving up altogether on the whole creative thing, I have decided to take a different route for a while. Its been amazing. Before, when I saw anything beautiful, I would immediately inwardly try to work out how I could reproduce it. Either in paints or words: How can I recreate this? How could I get quite that colour? What words would best capture that moment? Now, I am a spectator. An applauder An admirer . . . Instead of almost critiquing beauty for my own ends, I am free to have my breath taken away by it. Literally. Sometimes, I feel as though I will explode Just looking Just absorbing Just wonder filled. I don't know if this will be permanent Or whether the creative urge will resurface. I don't know whether this new way of looking has anything to do with it - but nature has suddenly becoming luminous with beauty And seeing it, for now, has become more than enough. I just love the way I can relax into it And really be there Without any sense of needing to hold on to the moment by expressing it again By my own, necessarily lesser, efforts.

4 comments:

Ness at Drovers Run said...

As a student of the arts for as long as I can remember, it was a serious "lightbulb" moment for me, when it came to painting creatively, when I realised it was ALL about how painting/drawing/creating/playing the violin made me FEEL rather than what the end product looked like. If I felt good making it, that was more important. If a bright sunny day has you breathing in spring air deeper and wiggling your toes with delight, then go home and remember that feeling when as you paint a blue stripe(sky) and a green stripe (grass) and be happy with it. Remember the feeling.

allie said...

Thanks Ness - I love what you've said and the way you've said it!
Its valuable advice and I will try to act on it when (if) I go back to creativity.

For now though, I'm going to just keep drinking it in :-)

Shayne said...

I agree with Ness. I've gone through various creative stages in my life and what i've learn't is that to create what i love, i need to 'feel' right when I'm doing it. I need to have happy memories right at the front of my brain (or wherever) so that i can tap into those to create my little masterpiece. Be it painting, scrapping, drawing or creating cupcakes.

And remember, nothing is ever a waste of time. Every tiny thing we do each day builds us and makes us the person we are. Each attempt at creating our own masterpiece is just another addition to the puzzle that is us.

Enjoy drinking it in for now, but remember to remember the joy you're feeling whilst drinking.

Trix's Mix said...

I love the comments your friends made Allie!
And I always find so much food for thought in your posts.