I resist doing the things I want to do.
I've been living this for years - its brain-splitting
Often I wake up to an uncluttered morning and think "Yay, today I can write/paint" but end up
side- tracking myself repeatedly until the morning has passed -
Just a bunch of bitty unremembered fragments of time wasted
Its so frustrating.
I LOVE writing
Why do I sabotage myself?
What makes it happen?
And what can I do about it?
I've found is that as soon as I decide, lets say, to paint - there is an immediate inner reaction -
A sense of:
"Oh no, you won't.
You always say you're going to, then you don't.
Today will be the same"
"You never achieve the effects you're after.
Its going to be the same today so why even bother"
I talk myself out of doing what I love to do!
I can see that those reactive thoughts completely discount the joy of the PROCESS and the need to learn and grow.
They simply point out the immediate imperfections, which, up to now, has been enough to stop me in my tracks.
I can also recognise them as a hurdle that is just smoke and mirrors
I don't even have to overcome them: if I really see them for what they are, they'll vanish.
I know I'm not alone in this strange struggle -
When you are stuck, its helpful to know that others are stuck that way too.
Otherwise I might be tempted to question my sanity!!
I'm hoping that recognising this, publicly and in writing, will rob these thoughts of their power to paralyze.
This post is my thumbing my nose at the paralyzing thoughts: saying: 'I will write today, so there!"
And I have.
Now I'm going to paint.