Thursday, November 27, 2014

Control Issues

I sat huddled up in the passenger seat of our car, eyes closed behind the dark glasses I was wearing.
We were off to see what the eye specialist could do about a virulent virus that had hit my eye.

My eye was so light sensitive that I had to drop my head and shield the eye with my hand as well.
So I was, quite literally, blind for that time.
It was the oddest feeling; being driven in that state.
I was completely unaware of what was happening outside the car -
Completely helpless.
No control at all.
Each time there was braking, slowing, accelerating, I had no idea why
It was scary at first and I kept asking questions
But soon gave up.
And just let go.
Because I had no other option but to trust the driver.

Normally, as a passenger, I feel I'm exercising some control, just by being able to see and sum up what the situations are.
Sometimes even to offering my valuable input to my man about how he should handle them ;-)
But I didn't realise this until I sat "blind" in the car that day.

And I thought how often I tell the Lord I give over control of life to Him.
That I want Him to be in charge and that I will follow where He leads
That I don't want to run ahead of Him or hang back
That He is free to take me anywhere He wants to.

Not until I sat "blind" in the car did I realise
What I have been doing spiritually is a lot like "sighted me" being the passenger.
Back seat driving.
Making "suggestions"
Fearful about upcoming situations
Complaining about the route,
The timing, the destination, the speed . . .
Subtly, or not so subtly, criticising the driver.

Control issues.

But now, I have experienced the "blind" me
And I know more what it feels like to really be dependent
I realise I have more to learn about really trusting the Driver in a new way.
Learning that whatever He is doing is right, and there are, often unseen, reasons for every action He takes.


Helga van said...

Oh wow, Allie, that's so powerful.Out of trauma come amazing lessons. Hope you are on the mend.

Lynette Jacobs said...

I feel for you Allie. At the beginning of this year I had pink eye and rubbed at it so ferociously that I tore the cornea...unbelievable pain!!!!

Isn't it amazing what the Lord uses to show us His ways. I will never forget when Wynand (blind at the time) said to me "Ma, as die Here my oe van my wegvat sodat ek Hom beter kan sien, dan maak ek vrede daarmee."

Love you...get well soon.

allie. said...

Helga - yes, amazing lessons out of life's pains!
Thanks, yes, I am on the mend. Grateful me!

allie. said...

Lynette -
I did not know that! How absolutely awful: you poor thing!
And oh! thank you so much for sharing Wynand's observation about his eyes when he was blind.
I remember you told us at the time and I was blown away by his incredible attitude.
So good to be reminded of that now.
Love you too, hon

LG said...

This was an amazing post mom. Looking forward to you being 100's again soon.