The following quotes are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts” and are what people actually said in court, word for word, taken down & now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is SUSAN.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Excuse me? Would you repeat the question?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a thick beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar!
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive…………………… and probably practising law.
9 comments:
*jacki leaves to go to the bathroom, to try and fix the mascara streaks running down her cheeks...*
Oh Jackie!
You're SO funny
That made me laugh as hard as the post did. . .
LOL! You just made my day...doesn't say much for the intellect of the attorneys. I have to copy, paste and send this to our attorney friend...he will kill himself laughing.
very funny!
And heres one of my very own. By stoopid! (Thats me)
When I was very new in London, I did not know that the red lanes on the road were only for buses (even though they did have it cleaarly written on the road "BUS LANE")
Anyhoo - I'm merrily driving along in the bus lane (and obviously not in a bus) when a cop jumps out and pulls me over.
He says: " Do you know what you're driving in?"
My innocent reply: " Yes - a Volkswagen Golf"
Bwahahahahaha!
Needless to say, I was let off the fine!!
One of my finest dumb blonde moments x-x
Dang, that was funny.
Thanks for making me laugh Allie, needed that :-)
Ag nee! Sommer baie snaaks!
Those lawyers must have been nervous or something - its like when you call someone and ask them how they are, they say "fine, and you" and then you reply with , "fine and you?" mean time you asked already! LOL - so blind, I kick myself when I do that - automatic responses!
LOL! Just what I needed on this dull and rainy Sunday :-)
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