Thursday, July 30, 2009

Too Good Not To Share

The following quotes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts” and are what people actually said in court, word for word, taken down & now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the accident?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is SUSAN.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Excuse me? Would you repeat the question?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a thick beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar!

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive…………………… and probably practising law.

9 comments:

jacki janse van rensburg said...

*jacki leaves to go to the bathroom, to try and fix the mascara streaks running down her cheeks...*

allie said...

Oh Jackie!
You're SO funny
That made me laugh as hard as the post did. . .

Lynette said...

LOL! You just made my day...doesn't say much for the intellect of the attorneys. I have to copy, paste and send this to our attorney friend...he will kill himself laughing.

Kirsty said...

very funny!
And heres one of my very own. By stoopid! (Thats me)
When I was very new in London, I did not know that the red lanes on the road were only for buses (even though they did have it cleaarly written on the road "BUS LANE")
Anyhoo - I'm merrily driving along in the bus lane (and obviously not in a bus) when a cop jumps out and pulls me over.
He says: " Do you know what you're driving in?"
My innocent reply: " Yes - a Volkswagen Golf"
Bwahahahahaha!
Needless to say, I was let off the fine!!
One of my finest dumb blonde moments x-x

Simply-Mel said...

Dang, that was funny.

Hayley said...

Thanks for making me laugh Allie, needed that :-)

Kate said...

Ag nee! Sommer baie snaaks!

Those lawyers must have been nervous or something - its like when you call someone and ask them how they are, they say "fine, and you" and then you reply with , "fine and you?" mean time you asked already! LOL - so blind, I kick myself when I do that - automatic responses!

Kate said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Gill said...

LOL! Just what I needed on this dull and rainy Sunday :-)