Friday, January 7, 2011

Tracking Handles

Another early morning post (4.56 to be exact)
I warn you now, I tend to get all philosophical in these quiet alone night moments.
If thats ok with you, then read on.
If not, I'll catch you in the next post maybe :-)
The paradoxical nature of life has been on my mind.
(For old friends, I do know I've mulled over this before. But I'm here again!)

At any given time we live with good and hard stuff going down at the same time.
I don't know about you, but when I am facing painful circumstances I  tend to put everything else on hold until it gets better.
Which is a really wasteful way to live
Because some things take a very long time: some just have to be lived with

Over the last month or so, circumstances have forced me to really look at
this.
It has been one of my most heartbreaking -
Lots of confusion, anger, sorrow, outrage
But it has also been a time of holidays, Christmas, clinking glasses,
 relaxing, swims. sunrises on the deck, wonderful hot summer days and nights . . .

I've been trying to learn how to live with this dichotomy.

Men have it easy
They have the whole "mental compartment thing" going on.
If awful things are going on in one area, they simply close that compartment door, and go to a better one.

A fight with the wife?
Go for a run; watch TV; read the paper; go to work . . .
Whatever
They can just switch it off.
(Doesn't that make you crazy?!)

For us gals, its not so easy
Our emotions flood willy-nilly through all areas of our lives
So if we're upset over our kids, lets say, -  we're just upset
Period.
It affects us at every level
And colours our lives  grey and tense until it gets better.

Thats us by nature
But its not ok.
Thats what I'm learning.
Again.

For about a month I have just opted out
Just going into a sort of coccoon of solitude
Trying to process it all.

I call it "The Stubbed Toe Syndrome"
A stubbed toe makes you forget you have any other body part.
Its as though you are all toe
All screaming, hopping, clutching, hurting . .

But in reality, 99% of you is fine
Its just that the pain has pushed all the good stuff out of sight.

I want to learn (as the GPS lady puts it) to be "recalculating" the way I process life
Not to harden my heart to pain
Not to live in denial
But to be able to recognise and appreciate the beautifulnesses in the midst of the painfulnesses.
Together they form the fabric of life

And who am I that I should think I should experience only the easy?
And what sort of person would I be, if I did?

5 comments:

MelB said...

I can *so* identify with this post! Omigosh - we are so alike. ;-)

I opt out, I cant think,sleep,eat or have a real conversation when facing something troubling.

It would be nice to be different. :-)

I'm so not a blogger said...

Once you have figured out how to do it, please will write us a recipe for ourselves to do it?;-)
(I am struggling with the exact same thing at the moment, how not to let one thing discolour the rest of me.

Lynette said...

It seems as if this is a universally female thing. I lost a whole year that way. How do we go through the process without stopping the world?

Trix's Mix said...

Yes me too...I understand exactly what you are talking about here - you are not alone Allie!

Susan said...

Oh Allie! I get it. Truly I do! This is partially why...I have been there this year and it's kept me from my blogging at several junctures. Thank you for sharing your heart and reminding us that it doesn't have to be this way and we can RECALCULATE! Not sure about your GPS, but my gal sounds like she's saying it with gritted teeth!

:-) Susan