Friday, August 14, 2009
Arrows and Messages Revisited
Because of the responses to the Arrows and Messages post, I'm going to "put myself out there" So family members - you have been warned. Don't proceed if its going to freak you out. (For any new visitors, please read the previous post first, including the comments; otherwise this will not make much sense to you.) If I am more specific about what I discovered in myself, it may make the whole process less alarming to those considering it. You might remember I mentioned my over-the-top reaction to DH asking me if I had put salt in the food? The truth is if he even lifted the potlids while I was cooking, I could feel myself bristling. Any comment or suggestion from him caused me to erupt in anger. He protested that he was only trying to help me. I *couldn't hear* that All I heard was that he thought I couldn't do it right by myself. In fact, any time he corrected what I'd done - a warzone in an instant! The Arrows and Messages teaching came into this sad scene. As recommneded, I listed instances of painful experiences from years ago (they were surprisingly easy to remember) Primary school impressions; teenage rejections; adult traumas. . . Some people have gleaned a few different Messages - but All my arrows had one Message - which made it very powerful in my life. It was: *You are not good enough: you can't do things well enough"* Its pretty easy to see how people's attempts to help were translated by my ingrained Message to: "You can't do it by yourself because nothing you do is good enough." The impact on my life has been profound: not just in the relational disjointedness I have described but also in the way I have handled challenges. Because this can make you passive: "Whats the point of trying? I won't be able to do it well" "i will make a fool of myself if I try" Or it can make you aggressive in an attempt to hide your inadequacy Blah blah blah But you get my drift, hey? It is so empowering, so freeing, to look open eyed at this. To recognize what's been going on in your mind. Hidden things brought into the light always lose their power to hurt in the same way And healing and change can come. When I knew that I was knee-jerk-reacting to some faulty mindset, I was free to respond diffferently. Now I can believe DH when he says he just wants to help Or anyone else for that matter And if I ever feel that familiar surge of defensiveness, I know what it is and I know how to counter it And defuse it. The adventure goes on . . .