Very soon the "Yay, now I get it!" jubilation was invaded by "Hang on a moment. Something doesn't feel right." Images of that attitude flashed into my mind: hands on hips, face sticking out, bad-ass expression, finger pointing, angry confrontational words.
Something like this:
Then like confetti falling, memories of things I'd heard began drifting down, things like esteeming others more highly than yourself, like meekness, like kindness, like cheek turning. The thoughts, you understand, were gentle and undemanding. They were rescuing. As though my questing hand had been taken and I was being led along a way.
I began to see that you can't give away what you don't know you own.
So I had needed to see I had a 'kingdom': that my feelings had legitimacy. Only then could I move to the vital next step.
Giving it away.
Freely saying: "Demanding my will would only harden and increase my self centredness. In any case, when I decided to follow Christ, I gave myself, my life to Him. Which surely includes 'my kingdom' if it includes anything!"
Now the words: "Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth . . " have become rivettingly real to me.
And you know what? I discovered that that's all it took. I didn't have to try hard to do things differently, to remember how I ought to act. No, things have just changed spontaneously. DH and I often make supper together now; I ask him to help me; for his advice - he is amazed. And he loves the change.
Because this has been my journey. He is the beneficiary but it has been my learning curve; my healing; and my joy.
Because I am a witness of, and a participator in, the miracles of rescue that Christ does in our ordinary extraordinary lives.