Thursday, July 15, 2010

Domain

Some of you know about my difficulties with the "the potlid-lifting scenario" -
You know, the one where you are cooking and DH ambles through, lifts various potlids and makes 'helpful' suggestions
And asks pointed questions.
Like: "Wouldn't it be better if you . . . . ?"
Or: "Are you sure you put salt in this?"
Mine did this.
I felt criticised and inept.
He said he was trying to help.
My reaction was to flare up in irritation: THIS IS MY TURF -
It became an area of real contention, silly as it seems.
I'd scream inside my head: "He knows it makes me crazy: why why why, doesn't he just stop doing it!"
I wanted him to adjust -
Then I realised that was probably never going to happen and maybe I could try to.
E-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y I stumbled upon this strategy to solve the problem: to believe him when he said he only wanted to help instead of assuming it was criticism.
It sounds like a no-brainer but trust me, its a hard place to come to.
The solution has worked quite well but I knew something more was needed because I could still sometimes feel that 'grrr' factor. I wanted to be really ok with it.
And thats how things have been for a while, jogging along.
Then, recently there was, um, let's say, an 'episode' which had nothing to do with cooking but carried the same message.
Even I was amazed at how upset I was. It seemed so out of proportion.
And I wanted to know why it had such a huge effect on me but had no idea where to look for answers.
A matter of days later, with not a thought in my head about the above, I borrowed 3 books.
Among them "The Divine Conspiracy" by Dallas Willard.
On page 29, the author, in an effort to help people understand the concept of the Kingdom of God, starts talking about kingdoms in general:
". . . we must be sure to understand what a kingdom is. Every last one of us has 'kingdom'- or a 'queendom' or a 'government'- a realm that is uniquely our own, where our choice determines what happens. Here is a truth that reaches into the deepest part of what it is to be a person.
. . . . Our 'kingdom' is simply the range of our effective will. Whatever we genuinely have the say over is in our kingdom. . . .
Any being that has say over nothing at all is no person. . . .
They would be reduced to completely passive observers who count for nothing, who make no difference. The sense of having some degree of control over things is now recognized as a vital factor in both mental and physical health . . . .
And here's the bit that spoke to me the loudest:
"Obviously having a place of rule goes to the very heart of who we are, of our integrity, strength and competence."
At last, I could understand why I felt the way I did!
What a relief to know I'm not some kind of psycho (oops sorry! emtional-stability challenged person) :-)
There is more to this but perhaps it is already too much for one post.
Congrats if you've made it to here.
Take a bow.

2 comments:

Stefanie said...

Hmmm!
I would say "Do you remember when you felt those feelings for the very first time?" I find, with myself when there is something that (even I) think I am over reacting to, it triggers a response from me that is over and above my normal response, there's something there, a root going back in time - and usually to childhood.
I love the idea of domain though and am happy to rule over the cooking and Mommy-ing.
Thanks for the thought provoking post.

allie said...

Ja you're right, Stef. It is often that.
Do you remember my posts on "Arrows and Messages"? It is flippin brilliant - not my post but the concept which I got from The Sacred Romance by John Eldridge. It deals with exactly this.
If you are interested, check out the book, or you could go back and read the posts.

There is a VERY important add-on to this post which I will do soon. And which will bring todays one into balance. Without it, very ugly attitudes could arise.