Friday, February 25, 2011

Fizzing Right Out

I was in the room when my mother died.
She was only 67.

It ws one of the most extraordinary experiences of my life.
It came vividly back to me because of this post "The You" Inside which I wrote a couple of days ago.

Losing my Mom was always the dread of my life
I remember, as a kid, the awful realisation that there would come a day when she wouldn't be there.
It haunted me, for many years.
And I handled it as I so often do, by just trying not to think about it.
And you know, life helps - I mean, as a young mom, you are very busy and its pretty easy to push uncomfortable thoughts into the back spaces of your mind.

But here's the thing
The reality was different.
The awful part was her being so ill for the last months of her life.
The roller coaster of her seeming to be better, and then not.
The walking into her room in the mornings to check the register for how much pain medication she had needed during the night -

As a very young Christian I tried hard to believe the right way, pray certain scriptures, proclaim truth, not entertain negative thoughts . . .
And not entertaining negative thoughts, for me, in my infancy, turned into denial.
So I would see what was in front of my face every day, but try to not believe it.
A brain crusher, I can tell you!
And I did crack somewhat under the pressure of that but was prayed for and found stabilty again.
(Just for the record, I believe that healing is part of salvation just as salvation is for everyone. The fact that not everyone receives either, is one of life's mysteries.
 But I can live with the mystery because I trust the character of the Author of it all)

And so, to the day it happened -
The family had all been summoned to her house by the doctor who told us the end was imminent.
The family was downstairs
I was sitting in the room just watching her
It felt surreal actually.
I felt sort of suspended, as though I was in a dream.
She was unconscious, her breathing quite heavy.
The nurse had said to me, call me when her breathing changes.

So, I waited with her.
Suddenly her breathing did change but at the same time I experienced something so wonderful I still have trouble conveying it.
Even now, I want to wave my hands around to try to describe it better.

It felt as though I were expanding on the inside, as though I had taken a breath that was too big for my lungs
Until I thought I would burst
With that, came a rising joy I cannot explain or describe
Then there was the "bursting forth" and a sense of utter exultation and total liberty -
That left me stunned and awed.

I believe with all my heart that the Lord allowed me to experience some of what my mother experienced as she escaped form the prison of her ailing body and was released into the huge freedom that awaits us all.
I am overwhelmed at His mercy and kindness to this day for that.

I never mourned my mother
How could I?
I missed her, but I could not mourn her

That eternal life that fizzes inside us that I spoke of in "The You" Inside?
 It fizzed her right into where she belongs and where we will hook up one day for celestial coffee :-)


Lynette said...

Allie, you have such a wonderful gift to put into words that is often so difficult to describe. This is the most awesome post I have read in a very long time. Thank you for putting these wonderful feelings into words.

MelB said...

We will talk about this post more when I see you. This little block isnt big enough for my words. :-)


lg said...

This is an amazing post mom. What a thing to have experienced. x

Elizabeth said...

Allie you've really experienced a lot of difficulties in your life but it seems you have been able to draw strength from your faith. That is very inspiring. You're amazing. I also wanted to thank you for visiting my blog today. It was very kind of you to leave a comment. Since I'm new to blogging any encouragement means a a great deal.

blackhuff said...

It makes me happy to read when people tell their stories of how God lifted them up in his hands when they needed it the most. I'm now talking about the part where you felt like you could burst. I also felt like that once in my life before and I too believe that is was God who lifted me up into his hands. I also believe when God do this, especially when someone so dear and near you die, that He let us experience what his word say: To be happy when someone dies and to be sad when someone is born. As the world is a difficult place and that when someone do dies, that they are in a better place.
A great post and thank you for sharing it with us.